Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I have a type: disappointing
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.