Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
You Might Also Like
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that