Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope