Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’