Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage