Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”