Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
a lot to unpack here
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!