Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.