Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I love it all
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.