Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Self-cleaning conscience

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

The Friday File.