Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Tastes like chicken.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…
my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*