@ArfMeasures

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

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@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@erinosgood_

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

@wife_housy

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

@VanGobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@KentWGraham

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

@SaltyCorpse

I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…

my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.