Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Just me?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45