harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?