Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!