harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
