Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
