Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready