Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
When I face a minor setback
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something