Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it