Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Hey! This isn’t my car!

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them