HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.