Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”