Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

That time Alicia messaged me

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

I have a new favorite meme page

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.