Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”