Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do