Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies