Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Cake!!

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.