Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
You Might Also Like
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
There are no pants in heaven.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.