Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”