Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus