Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

*exercises sarcastically*

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

What a chick magnet..

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.