Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

man i love columbo

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*