Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Cannot stop laughing at this

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

🤨

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.