[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

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If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.


I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.


I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.


“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”




teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art


*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.


“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words


So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider


boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]