If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
*Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.
“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]