[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!