ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today