@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

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@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@Staggfilms

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

@GianDoh

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

@DamienFahey

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today