Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

How wrong was this guy?

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out