Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit