[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
