[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
me, after any kind of buffet.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
