[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
