in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”
Heroes are all around us.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants