@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

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@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@WritePlay

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

@KimmyMonte

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@HeyANow

Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.