Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break