[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Need this in my life lol