Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
