Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

🫶

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.