Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Terribly Tuesday.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable