Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1853214639267676160/vid/avc1/720x720/8g24NUjNjXJ9gEAb.mp4?tag=16

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.