harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
