harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Kids, do not try this at home!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The dark side of Canada
