Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

A little too much information.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.