Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
goldfish mafia
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine