[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.