@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

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@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@FormerChild

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@bigkefd

Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem

@bornmiserable

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.