Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Found the job I’m suited for
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.