Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Truth

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality