Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]