Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

(Musicians.)

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

I love twitter

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.