Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide