Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

I was just discussing this with my cat

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.