Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.