Never underestimate the value of a good editor…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
HOW DARE YOU
Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having
I’ve done some pretty stupid things while I’ve been drunk, but in alcohol’s defense, I’ve done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.