@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

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@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

@Maxine12339

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having

@Skullcat

I’ve done some pretty stupid things while I’ve been drunk, but in alcohol’s defense, I’ve done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.