Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How do dragons blow out candles?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My safe word is Worcestershire