harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
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#Caturday
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me My dog
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.