Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period