Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Happy thanksgiving!

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.