Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

🤣

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

🤣🤣

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I found your tweet-up…

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂