Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

I think about this a lot

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

My inexpensive home security system…

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*