Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?