Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.