Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”