Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
good work, everybody
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.