*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad