Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Good morning ☺️

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.