Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You better watch out

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…