Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”