Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!