Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

😅😅😅

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

you’re damn right i have

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.