Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics