harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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That time Alicia messaged me
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me before I type out affect or effect
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?