Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

I bet

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

This is so me 😂😂

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!