Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee