Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Thank you 🥹

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

you gotta be faster

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken: